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Regrets I have a few

I turned 30 this year. I never feel so good. To better keep reminding myself, I decided to sit down and recall few lessons I learnt in the past years.

1. It is all about gut instincts

I don't believe our goal in life is to find passion. I, however, believe we should not neglect our guts feeling. My years taught me to carefully listening to the guts.

The very first days I entered my previous work places, I know I do not belong there. I spent the following days debating whether to stay, feeling lost, and then seeking a way out. Looking back, I should quit right away. The same pattern repeat itself in my past relationship or business ventures. For some weird reasons, I believe in the power of heart, of something within that is wiser than the brain.

I wish I listened to the heart.

2. If you wait for the boss, the boss will come

Things will work its way. Pimples will fade. Weight will lose. Eyelids will settle in its way. Career will come. Time and efforts will fix everything.

I learn one thing from my 20s: if someone starts low does not mean she/he stays low. I witnessed many ordinary people hustle through life and achieve excellency. My teenage was disastrous, I was ugly. Countless time I entered a class at bottom position. I was invisible. I have tried very hard to earn a place in UK University. However, once I got there, I was quite laid back. I thought I was good enough. It led to one thing I always come back and blame myself. I graduated without a distinction even when I was in the top 5 at my first year. One, I was lazy. Second, I focused too much on extra activities. Third, I was cocky.

I learnt my lesson when I was back to the USA for my master. I graduated with decent GPA. However, I was too easy on myself. I neglected data classes and chose not-so-challenging modules. And then, now I have to study them BY MYSELF WITH MISERY. Being 30, I promise to never go easy on myself. To push me to limit and never do anything half assed.

I wish I tried harder.

3. The rest is noise

Asian parents love to dominate conversations with their children. In our culture, obedient kids are well loved. I was such a "kid" until 27 years old. I followed most of parent advice (apart from choosing my major and getting marriage asap).

During my time in the USA, American women helped me to realize I was living in a toxic society. A society devalues women. Many times my dad told me to not studying too hard or not working in the stressful environment. I was taught that I can't instead of I can. "Hardship can age you and no one like smart but ugly woman!" I had to live for men attention, hoping one day someone will marriage me. Then, according to my dad, my life is fulfilled and happy.

The mentality creates a timid version of me. Always saying no before saying yes. Always working half assed to stay "beautiful". Now, I learn that I can be both: smart and beautiful, happy and independent. No man is needed in life to make me happy. I finally understand: "The rest is noise".

I wish I owned my life.

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